“is everybody going crazy”

July 2010 August 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 January 2012


Taken 2007 via Ate Maricel

Lola,

You're probably looking down at me thinking that I should go to sleep. Believe me, I tried but to no avail. Instead, I though of writing you a short letter. I wrote something of a letter to Lolo not too long ago. I wish he could read it, same as I wish you could read this. First off, I miss you and Lolo both very much, and there's so much I wish I could have said to the both of you whenever I had the chance. True, the physical distance between us was great, and we were only able to see each other every how so many years, and even then, it all depended on how much money we were able to shell out. Nonetheless, the distance between us emotionally and spiritually was never too far. If someone else were reading this, they would probably think I was a nutcase, but it's true.

You were (and still are) always there for me when I'm most troubled. I still remember our special talk when my family and I had gone to the Philippines back in 2005 for the retreat. I had my hopes up, thinking that by the end of our trip, you would be coming back home with us. I remember you telling me how much you wished you were able to, and how you wanted to see our house here in Canada. You told me to work hard, study hard, and always do my best and to have faith in all that I do. You never missed a chance to tell me that you loved me, and now here I am wishing I had thought more of it. I had taken it all for granted without really meaning to.

Have you seen the lilies growing in your garden? Lolo sure had a green thumb, I wish I could see it in real life. Here's a picture that Ate Maricel took:

Doesn't it look beautiful?

I have much more I'd love to tell you, but that can be saved for the next time we can talk. But I want to tell you about a dream I had two nights ago, you might know about it. I was walking in a garden, admiring the plants that flourished in the warm temperature, the sun beating down on them. It's odd how vivid this dream was, yet I can't remember why I was in a garden to be honest. Then I remember seeing two white butterflies, resting on my arm. Normally, I would've flinched or jumped because I'm not quite a bug-friendly person. But there was something comforting about them, and then they flew away.

I remember when I woke up, I could still remember clearly how they had flown away. It was then that I remember Ate Maricel mentioning something about a butterfly, and how it was like a reassurance that you and Lolo were doing well. I don't know if this was meant to happen on purpose or if my dream was just another dream, but I'd like to have a sense of reassurance as well.

I've come to accept certain things in my life that I wish would never happen again, just so that I can live life with no regrets. Sadly, I do still carry around a few and I do what I can to come to terms with them. One of the most painful regrets I have to carry is not being able to be there with either of you at the time when you most needed your family. I'm sorry for not going with my Mom to see you again, I'm sorry for not calling more to talk to you, I'm sorry for taking your lives for granted. I was stupid enough to continue believing that my Grandparents would stick around forever, making the reality of it all hurt even more.

I'm living life now, looking at things differently, trying to keep my head up even when the times are far from great. You've taught me a lot, despite not being around with me physically. But somehow, you were ever present in my life, and I'm grateful for the time that I was given to be with you.

Thanks Lola, I really appreciate it.

Love always,

Kim